Bad day

Today is not a good day. I feel sick, I have stomach cramps, I feel anxious, depressed, nervous, cold. 

I haven't moved from my bedroom except for breakfast.

I don't want to return any calls or messages & thought of communicating face to face with anybody right now fills me with dread. 

I hate feeling like this. 

It happens sometimes. 

It's part of me. 

I have a Pilates class this evening with a good friend to ease me back into an exercise regime, I'm kind of looking forward to it but am also scared of a new experience with strangers around me...

So I have to sort myself out before! 

I will watch some House on Netflix, have a bath, face mask, hair mask, make my hair look presentable, a little natural make up... 

Hopefully a bit of pampering will cheer me up. Sometimes if you make a little effort on the outside, it makes you feel a little better on the inside. 

It's all psychological... Right...? 

*sigh* 

The life of mine

Sometimes I get so caught up with observing life that I forget to take part...

Sort of like missing the cue in a play.

I watch as my acquaintances/family/friends have babies, get new jobs, go travelling, get married and so on.. They post their news in words and pictures on social media and I'm pleased for them - it's lovely to see people fulfilled & happy in their lives! 

I watch the comments appear on the posts:

"Congrats babes"

"Omg so cute!"

"Have fun! Missing you already!"

Etc...

I become engrossed in the love and well wishes being sent to these people who have reached a milestone and it warms my heart.

But I don't write a comment to them. I exit the post and move on.

It's not because I don't care, it's not because I'm not brimming with joy for them. 

It's because I simply forget that I am a part of it. Mentally I hear my thoughts "Good for you" and I smile. 

But still, I don't post. 

Is it rude? 

Should I feel obliged? 

Do people think I don't care? 

Have I become that antisocial? 

Do people notice?

Do people care that I've not said anything?

Is this totally mad?

Am I just flattering myself..?

It's not only social networking either.

It's also within every day conversation. 

I find myself watching the people I speak to, their mannerisms, their eyes, the way they breathe...

The conversation becomes less about what they are saying and much more about what they are not saying and I find it frustrating that I engage in so many insincere conversations with people because they are saying the opposite to what their body language is telling me! 

So yet again, I lose track of the verbal and miss the cue for my line in the play.

I find the insincerity & facade of life boring, pointless effort & an unnecessary necessity. 

Why does everybody do it?

Why do you all pretend? 

Life and everybody in it has become one long, boring act that I cannot escape. 

People are so predictable, it's pathetic. 

You all play your parts so well and you never break character.

You poor creatures.

I love when somebody breaks the mold! 

Spontaneous! Funny! Embarassing! Different! 

But then it turns out that is their facade and it becomes all too transparent & needy... 

Life is one long, boring act that I cannot escape.