An emotional dumping ground

I wrote this in 2009 when I was at one of the lowest points of my life. 

Whilst going through my old facebook crap earlier, I found it in "notes". 

I'm so pleased I'm not that person anymore who feels these things. 

It's not the most accurately written poem in the world, more of an articulate dumping ground. Nonetheless, read it or don't. :)

addiction 

He was the only reason i was so long clean,

without him around i've no incentive to be,

i thought i was made better quick,

now i see he was holding me back from my favourite kick,

attraction so strong i just couldn't stop,

every day and night was another quest for sort,

another thrill,

new day, same drill,

too much wasn't enough,

more always got tough,

my worst enemy and best friend,

loved and loathed with each mind bend,

satisfaction so strong,

urge to hold on put me where i didn't belong,

i lost everything i knew

but didn't care cuz i had you,

my light at the end of the tunnel

was white as my mind was turmoil,

i loved you but you controlled me,

too much but i couldn't see,

you'd blinded me,

just how you wanted me to be,

a shell of my former self,

getting left behind, dusty on the shelf,

i had to walk away from you,

it hurt but was something i had to do,

life was so dark,

i told anyone who'd ask,

so i ran and whilst away,

i found myself again, i realised i was alive and didn't have to stay,

now life is so bright,

i'd forgotten what it was like,

i don't miss your empty fun,

the loss i felt and the rising sun,

with you i now am finally done.

Thinking cap

Here I am again...

Blogging... 

In the bath... 

It's a peaceful time with no interruptions, surrounding by lovely, hot, bubbly water. 

I feel like a spaghetti mermaid lol!

I've been thinking. 

I've been thinking so much that I can't sleep and my jaw is constantly cracking. I'm in overdrive and I can't switch off. 

It's my future you see. It's not as far away as it once was.

When you're young, you imagine your life and future being in the far off distance and that things will just fall together - you'll get a good job, you'll have a car, you'll get married and you'll have babies.

Now to be completely honest, I really didn't think it was going to be as difficult as it has been just to get this far. 

Somebody needs to let teenagers know, in a way that they will listen that life doesn't just come together. You've got to work and work hard. 

I wish I knew then what I know now, my life would be so different. Although saying that, I was a horrible child so I don't know...

Something in my life needs to change. 

I need to train to do something that will make a difference. A difference in my current job, enabling me to climb quicker up the ladder with more ease and an upper hand over others or something entirely different that will earn me a lot of money (because collecting money is a hobby of mine).

The problem I have is that I like the main basis of my job. I love working with fragrance. I love just smelling perfumes all day and instead of going home smelling of sweat or oil or whatever else, I come home stinking to high heaven of perfumes! Who wouldn't want that?! 

The money wasn't important to me until everybody's hours were cut down to contract only. 

This doesn't leave me in a great position. Now I either have to find a part-time job to bring me up to full time hours (and get taxed through my ass) or train to do something entirely different, stay with this job in the mean time and then leave for more money. 

My future won't pay for itself...