Antisocial or over-social?

"People empty me, I have to get away to refill."

        - Charles Bokowski

I find people so draining. 

After a day out shopping, eating or at a theme park or somewhere else where there are a lot of people (not friends, I mean random members of the public) I have to go home and be alone and in the quiet. 

I feel tired, weak, depleted. I need to be alone to sleep, to re-energise & re-charge my batteries. 

The people's energy around me is overwhelming!

I find watching these humans a little like the Truman show, but not.. Like everybody is playing a part, reading from a script but I've not been given a copy of the script & nobody will break character to let me know what's going on or why.

I think the whole world is mad. 

I absorb everybody's energy from around me but instead of it filling me, the overload of energy weighs me down & drains my own resources, mentally and physically fatiguing me. 

Maybe this sounds conceited or something. I don't know.

I know I'm not normal!

- What is normal anyway..?

Even one-to-one I can find people exhausting. I don't deal very well with other people's problems. The emotion they exude whilst recalling and talking to me has a similar effect but more concentrated due to the close proximity. I feel their mental state so vividly as if it were my own. The affection, the anger, the dispair. I can feel it all.

Imagine, if you will, seeing 3 friends in a week for 4 hours each, each of them also texting you during the week, with a different story or event to talk to you about, in person and over text, going into detail over and over & wanting your opinion (but not your honest opinion, keep that to yourself - you have to guess what it is they want to hear, lest you upset them more and become an addition to their problems), your partner & parents chatting to you about their ups and downs plus the members of the public you come across in every day life. 

Absorbing everybody's energy, everybody's emotions & also trying to work out how you feel & separate your feelings from those you have absorbed. Ending up totally stripped of your entire self. 

You can soon see why I spend so much time alone & why sometimes I can't say what you want me to say, be who you want me to be & why my social media can be so blunt at times!

It's also why I'm so direct & don't sugar coat my opinions.

If I am overwhelmed, sometimes things spill out without the filter. It's like being full to the brim and utterly empty at the same time!

I don't know why I wrote this down. Well... 

Whoever reads it might understand a little more why I am how I am...

Maybe somebody might even relate? 

Pointless. Unnecessary. Negative. Past.

When you suffer with anxiety & depression, you can't always control your actions. 

It's fucking shit. 

I'm not saying it's an excuse but somebody who has been in that situation understands how difficult & overwhelming the feelings are that can take over in a moment of rage or panic and the consequences that you didn't prepare for that you can no longer control. Sometimes it feels like you're drowning - the pressure is so much you want to scream!

The guilt you feel for the things you did or said in that moment is very real though. It doesn't mean that what was said hurts any less or what was said back hurts any less.

Neither party is innocent. 

Regardless, if you forgive somebody, you forgive them, you can't keep taking it back when you feel sensitive, especially when you behaved in a similar manner and received an apology that was never revoked.

In my particular experience, I made up & consequently became friends with my person. We then became very close friends. I went through a couple of really bad personal times whilst we were friends & made some mistakes, this has resulted in the end of our friendship. 

I was paranoid, I was distrusting & I was scared. Everybody I've ever trusted has hurt me & betrayed me & I was trying to protect myself from it happening again. Now I realise I was unnecessarily protecting myself from somebody who just wanted to be my friend. 

I think to a certain extent we both felt the same way. 

But now that friendship has come to an end, the bitterness has begun.

I desperately don't want to taint the fun times we had together with a bitter end.

If you have moved on & no longer speak - there should be no lingering bad feeling. 

There are no amount of blogs or words or conversations I can post, say or have to express how much I regret the disgusting amount of negativity we wasted our time with in the beginning when we could have been friends all along. 

Live your life, I hope you will be happy. 

We've all done it...

...Been a dick to the wrong person when they didn't deserve it. 

Thing is, at the time, we think our words are well-founded & deserved. Then afterwards we're angry. We're angry because we rowed with our friend, because they were mean to us and because they wouldn't accept what we said to them. 

But then somebody gives us some perspective on the situation...

We realise, that we don't have to speak out on every thought we have. Our ideas on right & wrong, acceptable & unacceptable behaviours are not the same as somebody else's ideas & everybody's moral compass is different. It doesn't mean anybody is wrong or right or better than anybody else. 

It simply means that we are human. We all have the right to behave however we want (within reason) without judgement. Especially from those we care about and who care about us.

If we are worried about somebody's behaviour, there are good and bad ways to approach the situation. 

Sometimes, the situation is too sensitive & too raw to be approached & somebody is just having a rough time. By bringing it up, we are throwing it in their face & making them feel bad about themself for actions that we deem unacceptable.

But what makes us the law on what is acceptable. We have all had experiences that have changed us, whether temporarily or permanently. But we were allowed to transition without disturbance. We must allow others the same courtesy. Once they have come through their experience, then we must be there to catch them if they fall, pick up the broken pieces or just to listen as they retrace their steps & to hold them, physically or mentally, and bring them back together to become whole again.

By picking on somebody's actions when they are in a bad place, we are not helping, we are becoming part of the problem and putting them in a worse place by making them feel attacked by those they trusted. It is patronising & small minded to believe that what we are saying is helpful & all we will do is push the person away. 

Maybe we were in a bad place too, when we said those things, made those judgements. Which makes our behaviour as unacceptable as we accused theirs of being. This attack was not about their behaviour but more about our state of mind & ability to cope, we made it about them so we didn't have to look in the mirror.

This is our problem, not their problem & friends should stick together & not fight against each other when we are both in a bad place. 

I would like to apologise to my friend. 

I am sorry. 

I have learnt from my poor behaviour. X

Random survey thing cuz I can't sleep...

Personal About Me

Last Person That

1. Slept in your bed besides you? — Justin (with me)

2. Saw you cry? — either my dad or Justin

3. You went to the movies with? — er.. Either my old job or Jade.. Can't remember. I don't go to the cinema much.

4. You went out to dinner with? —went out for a lamb roast on Sunday with my Dad 😊👌🏼👌🏼

5. You talked on the phone to? — my dad, he asked if I wanted anything from the shop lol

6. Made you laugh? — Probably some forgettable crap at college that you laugh at in the moment.

1. Pierce your nose or your tongue? — I had my tongue pierced but decided it looked trampy haha! My nose would look stupid pierced!

2. Be serious of be funny? — neither/both? Dry sarcasm. Is that neither or both???

3. Drink whole or skimmed milk? — Skimmed. Every time. 

4. Die in a fire or drowning? — What the hell kind of question is that?! That's like asking would you rather eat your own crap or drink your own pee?!!!! 

5. Spend time with your parents or enemies? — Definitely parents. There aren't very many people in this world is rather spend time with than my parents tbh.

Are You?

1. Simple or complicated? — seriously complicated!

2. Straight, gay or bisexual? — greedy 😂

3. Tall or short? — I suppose I'm taller than average... 

4. Right handed or left handed? — Righty

5. A lover of music or a lover of books? — Both!!

Do You Prefer

1. Flowers or sweets? — sweets last longer but flowers are easier on the weight...

2. Grey or black? — Grey

3. Colour photos or black-and-white photos? — Colour!!!

4. Sunrise or sunset? Sunset, I don't like early mornings unless it's to get up for holiday haha!

5. M&Ms or Skittles? — M&M’s, you clearly haven't heard the skittle story. I've never eaten them since and that was 6 years ago!!!

6. Staying up late or waking up early? — Staying up late, I'm a serious insomniac, it's currently 4:28am and I've not slept a wink.

7. Sun or moon? — Sun!!!!

8. Winter or Autumn? — Autumn

9. 10 acquaintances or 2 best friends? — 2 best friends, the less people you chill with, the less shit you deal with 👌🏼

10. Rainy or sunny? — Sunny!!

11. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? — Chocolate every time!

12. Vodka or Jack? — Vodka (but mainly tequila 💕)

About You

1. What time is it? —4:30am

2. Name? — Isabelle

3. Nicknames? — Tetty-Pon, Princess Moo, Izzy, luttle, munchkin..

4. When is your birthday? — Feb 4th

5. What do you want? — Happiness & stability.

6. How many kids do you want? — 2 I think. 

7. What would you name a girl? — hmm... I've always thought "Jessica" or "Jasmine" & middle names "Anne Patricia"

8. What would you name a boy? — I like Jaimeson & Robert. Justin likes Jesus (hey-Zeus) & Juliano 😝

9. You want to get married? — Yes, absolutely.. someday!

10. What kind of music do you like? — That's a list that would take all day...

Unique

1. Nervous habits? — Biting the skin around my nails, grinding my teeth, jogging my legs, fidgeting, cracking my jaw, itching, chewing insides of my mouth... The list goes on lmao! 

2. Are you double-jointed? — hell no.

3. Can you roll your tongue? — Yup

4. Can you raise one eyebrow? — Haha! Yeah! My dickhead eyebrow!! 

5. Can you cross your eyes? — Yes, but it gives me a headache lol

Random

1. Which shoe goes on first? — Right maybe? I don't know!

2. Ever thrown something at someone? — maybe... I shan't incriminate myself 😏

3. On average, how much money do you carry with you? — I tend not to carry cash

4. What jewelry do you wear? — My watch, sometimes bracelets, sometimes necklace but always piercing jewellery.

5. Do you twirl or cut spaghetti? — twirl. Only retards cut 😋

6. Have you ever eaten Spam? — Yes, gross. 

7. Favourite ice cream? — Haagan Daz Belgium chocolate or papafilipou kinder Beuno!! 💕

8. How many kinds of cereal are in your cupboard? — like 6 maybe? 

9. Can you cook? — Of course, & I take pride in it. 

Alcoholic beverage? — Tequila til I die! 

Car ride? — Last night, home from college

Movie seen? – No idea

Song played? — How deep is your love... Can't remember who it's by.. 

Person you saw? — My Dad before he went to bed lmao

Time you cried?- Few days ago I suppose

Fight? – Jeez, not including relationships? 😂 like 10 years ago..?

Well... That was enthralling... What else can I do to pass the time until morning...? 😓