When you suffer with anxiety & depression, you can't always control your actions.
It's fucking shit.
I'm not saying it's an excuse but somebody who has been in that situation understands how difficult & overwhelming the feelings are that can take over in a moment of rage or panic and the consequences that you didn't prepare for that you can no longer control. Sometimes it feels like you're drowning - the pressure is so much you want to scream!
The guilt you feel for the things you did or said in that moment is very real though. It doesn't mean that what was said hurts any less or what was said back hurts any less.
Neither party is innocent.
Regardless, if you forgive somebody, you forgive them, you can't keep taking it back when you feel sensitive, especially when you behaved in a similar manner and received an apology that was never revoked.
In my particular experience, I made up & consequently became friends with my person. We then became very close friends. I went through a couple of really bad personal times whilst we were friends & made some mistakes, this has resulted in the end of our friendship.
I was paranoid, I was distrusting & I was scared. Everybody I've ever trusted has hurt me & betrayed me & I was trying to protect myself from it happening again. Now I realise I was unnecessarily protecting myself from somebody who just wanted to be my friend.
I think to a certain extent we both felt the same way.
But now that friendship has come to an end, the bitterness has begun.
I desperately don't want to taint the fun times we had together with a bitter end.
There are no amount of blogs or words or conversations I can post, say or have to express how much I regret the disgusting amount of negativity we wasted our time with in the beginning when we could have been friends all along.
Live your life, I hope you will be happy.
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