BEFORE BED BOREDOM.....

Well this is fun..... 

Have you ever made out in a bathroom?

I'm pretty sure anybody who's ever had a partner has kissed them in the bathroom lol!

Do you think the last person you kissed is nice? 

It was my niece - so yes, I love her to pieces, little madam! 

Who was the last person to call you?

Last person to call me was my Dad to find out where I was.

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?

Currently drinking a cup of decaf tea.

When is the last time you cried?

Haha! About an hour ago! I'm tired and my Dad was moody with me. Not even massively mean to me lmao! I was just being over sensitive I think!

Are you scared of spiders?

YES!!!!!!!!

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

That's a very difficult question to answer. 

There are things I would definitely change. But also things I would never want to re-live... No. I don't think so. 

Things happen just the way they're supposed to, if you were to start my kin about with things like that, you'd end up with a life like Michael Jackson's face! Some things should be left alone.

What are your plans for this weekend?

This weekend I'm going to Glyndebourne with my Mum! I can't wait!!! 

Ever been swimming in a lake or river?

Haha! Yes! I swam in the rivers on Dartmoor in Devon, it was so beautiful! 

I also went skinny dipping in Heathlake after a few drinks one summer! SO GROSS - WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last person you drove with in a car?

I drove with my Mum & bestie on Saturday.

What did you last buy?

The last thing I bought waaaas hang over noodles for the bestie & me on Sunday... Or was it popcorn..? It was one of the two.

What’s irritating you right now?

I'm working on not being irritated anymore. I've spent too much of my life letting things irritate me. It's the chimp. I must take control & make my human take over.

What radio stations do you listen to?

Hmmm... Heart, Kiss, Magic & I can't remember whether it's Radio 2 or 4 but I like listening to the stories & plays when I'm in the car. 

Are you afraid of the dark?

Sometimes. I depends on my frame of mind. 

Are you listening to music right now?

No, the news is on but I'm not watching it. I'll turn it off and go to bed soon.

Do you like Chinese food?

I like noodles lol! 

But I prefer Thai food as I find Chinese food too greasy.

What is the last movie you saw in theatres?

Last movie I went to see was the new Star Wars I think. It was actually pretty good!

Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?

Not really... Apart from loved ones who are no longer of this world. Things happen the way they're supposed to. 

Do you get distracted easily?

Depends on my mind frame and the task at hand.

First time you kissed the last person you kissed?

Jeez... Umm.... Maybe 2010/2011??

Was this the best year of your life?

Definitely not! Lmfao!!!!!

Who are your best friends?

My very best friends know who they are but I consider a few people very, very close friends and I wouldn't like to hurt anybody's feelings by missing them out. I love all my sisters very much xxx

What was going through your mind during your last kiss?

I thought her hair smelt lovely as she had just had a bath haha!

Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Both are very hard & take a lot of strength and perseverance. 

I think it depends on how much you want one or the other and whether it's worth it. 

Sometimes it's easier to walk away and never forgive and never forget. 

Sometimes you love the person and you always forgive and forget everything.

There's always a grey area...

Are you jealous of someone?

No. Jealousy is a waste of time. Be happy and accept what you've been given. Everybody has beauty. Not everybody can see it. 

Society is ugly. 

What last made you laugh the hardest?

My bestie being a div haha! Xxx

Do you flirt a lot?

No. I'm not really interested. I'm friendly but not flirty.

Would you live with someone without marrying them?

I live with my Dad, does that count?! Lmao! 

Have you ever had a dream about people you love dying?

Yes. It's horrible lol!

Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My Dad.

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?

Haha! A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!! 

Who was the last person that made you feel safe, why?

My Mum & my bestie. Because they always make me feel loved and accepted no matter what I'm going through, how I'm behaving, what I look like, the stupid things I say! I know they love me and are always there for me. Xxx

Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?

Probably when I was a teenager.

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Yes. A few years back. But it had to be done. They called it love but they lied to me constantly about stupid stuff. I didn't believe a word they said or trust them, so there was no point in being together anymore.

Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?

Yes. Simple as that.

What did you do yesterday?

Drove back from Sussex with my bestie, got changed, got noodles from Maidenhead, got some popcorn, went back to her place, drank tea, popcorn & went home late.

Have you ever dated Someone Older Than You?

Yes. It's true what they say. Men mature much slower. 

What time did you go to bed at and when did you awake?

Went to bed about 12 and woke up about 10. I suffer with really bad insomnia so wasn't asleep for all that time.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Second? yes, third? Yes. Fourth? Fifth? Sixth? Seventh? Nope, but then I'm a walk over so I dish out chances like they're going out of fashion!

Believe in love at first sight?

No. I believe in lust at first sight. Learn to control ya damn selves lol! 

Bad day

Today is not a good day. I feel sick, I have stomach cramps, I feel anxious, depressed, nervous, cold. 

I haven't moved from my bedroom except for breakfast.

I don't want to return any calls or messages & thought of communicating face to face with anybody right now fills me with dread. 

I hate feeling like this. 

It happens sometimes. 

It's part of me. 

I have a Pilates class this evening with a good friend to ease me back into an exercise regime, I'm kind of looking forward to it but am also scared of a new experience with strangers around me...

So I have to sort myself out before! 

I will watch some House on Netflix, have a bath, face mask, hair mask, make my hair look presentable, a little natural make up... 

Hopefully a bit of pampering will cheer me up. Sometimes if you make a little effort on the outside, it makes you feel a little better on the inside. 

It's all psychological... Right...? 

*sigh* 

The life of mine

Sometimes I get so caught up with observing life that I forget to take part...

Sort of like missing the cue in a play.

I watch as my acquaintances/family/friends have babies, get new jobs, go travelling, get married and so on.. They post their news in words and pictures on social media and I'm pleased for them - it's lovely to see people fulfilled & happy in their lives! 

I watch the comments appear on the posts:

"Congrats babes"

"Omg so cute!"

"Have fun! Missing you already!"

Etc...

I become engrossed in the love and well wishes being sent to these people who have reached a milestone and it warms my heart.

But I don't write a comment to them. I exit the post and move on.

It's not because I don't care, it's not because I'm not brimming with joy for them. 

It's because I simply forget that I am a part of it. Mentally I hear my thoughts "Good for you" and I smile. 

But still, I don't post. 

Is it rude? 

Should I feel obliged? 

Do people think I don't care? 

Have I become that antisocial? 

Do people notice?

Do people care that I've not said anything?

Is this totally mad?

Am I just flattering myself..?

It's not only social networking either.

It's also within every day conversation. 

I find myself watching the people I speak to, their mannerisms, their eyes, the way they breathe...

The conversation becomes less about what they are saying and much more about what they are not saying and I find it frustrating that I engage in so many insincere conversations with people because they are saying the opposite to what their body language is telling me! 

So yet again, I lose track of the verbal and miss the cue for my line in the play.

I find the insincerity & facade of life boring, pointless effort & an unnecessary necessity. 

Why does everybody do it?

Why do you all pretend? 

Life and everybody in it has become one long, boring act that I cannot escape. 

People are so predictable, it's pathetic. 

You all play your parts so well and you never break character.

You poor creatures.

I love when somebody breaks the mold! 

Spontaneous! Funny! Embarassing! Different! 

But then it turns out that is their facade and it becomes all too transparent & needy... 

Life is one long, boring act that I cannot escape. 

easy peasy winter warmer!

Winter warmer root vegetable soup

I'm totally obsessed with making soup at the moment! It is THE most simple thing to cook in the world! 

If I had known it was this simple, I'd have been making it years ago! 

My most recent creation is my winter warmer root vegetable soup. 

It contains:

Half a parsnip

Quarter of a large butternut squash

1 onion

1 carrot

Quarter of a suede

Black pepper 

Stock cube

You can use whatever veg you like! 

I'd just advise to use an onion with it (or maybe a leek or celery) to give it a base. 

1. Wash a chop all veg and put onto a baking tray, drizzle a little olive oil and crack a little black pepper over it all. 

2. Pop veg into a pre-heated oven (about 200 degrees) for:

20 mins for tomatoes/peppers other soft veg

30 mins for root veg 

3. Mix a stock cube of your choice into a pint of boiling water (I used chicken) and pour into a large saucepan.

4. Once veg is roasted, pop into the saucepan with the stock.

5. Bring the veg to the boil stirring occasionally.

6. Simmer with the lid on for 15 mins.

7. Put all contents into a blender and whizz it up until smooth(ish)

8. Serve!

Depending on what soup you've made you might like to swirl a little Greek yoghurt into your bowl (lovely with root veg), or sprinkle some cayenne pepper into the mix to give it a warming kick! (Gorgeous with butternut squash soup), or for a taste of the Mediterranean, drizzle a bit of balsamic vinegar in with your tomato soup.

Spiced Butternut squash & parsnip soup

Cherry tomato & bell pepper soup (recipe from the Juice Master)

My rule of soup is: always a lot of black pepper! I definitely take after my Mum with that habit! 

Yummy😋

I hope somebody who reads this is inspired to make their own creation.

I'd love to see if anybody does... 

😊

Antisocial or over-social?

"People empty me, I have to get away to refill."

        - Charles Bokowski

I find people so draining. 

After a day out shopping, eating or at a theme park or somewhere else where there are a lot of people (not friends, I mean random members of the public) I have to go home and be alone and in the quiet. 

I feel tired, weak, depleted. I need to be alone to sleep, to re-energise & re-charge my batteries. 

The people's energy around me is overwhelming!

I find watching these humans a little like the Truman show, but not.. Like everybody is playing a part, reading from a script but I've not been given a copy of the script & nobody will break character to let me know what's going on or why.

I think the whole world is mad. 

I absorb everybody's energy from around me but instead of it filling me, the overload of energy weighs me down & drains my own resources, mentally and physically fatiguing me. 

Maybe this sounds conceited or something. I don't know.

I know I'm not normal!

- What is normal anyway..?

Even one-to-one I can find people exhausting. I don't deal very well with other people's problems. The emotion they exude whilst recalling and talking to me has a similar effect but more concentrated due to the close proximity. I feel their mental state so vividly as if it were my own. The affection, the anger, the dispair. I can feel it all.

Imagine, if you will, seeing 3 friends in a week for 4 hours each, each of them also texting you during the week, with a different story or event to talk to you about, in person and over text, going into detail over and over & wanting your opinion (but not your honest opinion, keep that to yourself - you have to guess what it is they want to hear, lest you upset them more and become an addition to their problems), your partner & parents chatting to you about their ups and downs plus the members of the public you come across in every day life. 

Absorbing everybody's energy, everybody's emotions & also trying to work out how you feel & separate your feelings from those you have absorbed. Ending up totally stripped of your entire self. 

You can soon see why I spend so much time alone & why sometimes I can't say what you want me to say, be who you want me to be & why my social media can be so blunt at times!

It's also why I'm so direct & don't sugar coat my opinions.

If I am overwhelmed, sometimes things spill out without the filter. It's like being full to the brim and utterly empty at the same time!

I don't know why I wrote this down. Well... 

Whoever reads it might understand a little more why I am how I am...

Maybe somebody might even relate? 

Pointless. Unnecessary. Negative. Past.

When you suffer with anxiety & depression, you can't always control your actions. 

It's fucking shit. 

I'm not saying it's an excuse but somebody who has been in that situation understands how difficult & overwhelming the feelings are that can take over in a moment of rage or panic and the consequences that you didn't prepare for that you can no longer control. Sometimes it feels like you're drowning - the pressure is so much you want to scream!

The guilt you feel for the things you did or said in that moment is very real though. It doesn't mean that what was said hurts any less or what was said back hurts any less.

Neither party is innocent. 

Regardless, if you forgive somebody, you forgive them, you can't keep taking it back when you feel sensitive, especially when you behaved in a similar manner and received an apology that was never revoked.

In my particular experience, I made up & consequently became friends with my person. We then became very close friends. I went through a couple of really bad personal times whilst we were friends & made some mistakes, this has resulted in the end of our friendship. 

I was paranoid, I was distrusting & I was scared. Everybody I've ever trusted has hurt me & betrayed me & I was trying to protect myself from it happening again. Now I realise I was unnecessarily protecting myself from somebody who just wanted to be my friend. 

I think to a certain extent we both felt the same way. 

But now that friendship has come to an end, the bitterness has begun.

I desperately don't want to taint the fun times we had together with a bitter end.

If you have moved on & no longer speak - there should be no lingering bad feeling. 

There are no amount of blogs or words or conversations I can post, say or have to express how much I regret the disgusting amount of negativity we wasted our time with in the beginning when we could have been friends all along. 

Live your life, I hope you will be happy. 

We've all done it...

...Been a dick to the wrong person when they didn't deserve it. 

Thing is, at the time, we think our words are well-founded & deserved. Then afterwards we're angry. We're angry because we rowed with our friend, because they were mean to us and because they wouldn't accept what we said to them. 

But then somebody gives us some perspective on the situation...

We realise, that we don't have to speak out on every thought we have. Our ideas on right & wrong, acceptable & unacceptable behaviours are not the same as somebody else's ideas & everybody's moral compass is different. It doesn't mean anybody is wrong or right or better than anybody else. 

It simply means that we are human. We all have the right to behave however we want (within reason) without judgement. Especially from those we care about and who care about us.

If we are worried about somebody's behaviour, there are good and bad ways to approach the situation. 

Sometimes, the situation is too sensitive & too raw to be approached & somebody is just having a rough time. By bringing it up, we are throwing it in their face & making them feel bad about themself for actions that we deem unacceptable.

But what makes us the law on what is acceptable. We have all had experiences that have changed us, whether temporarily or permanently. But we were allowed to transition without disturbance. We must allow others the same courtesy. Once they have come through their experience, then we must be there to catch them if they fall, pick up the broken pieces or just to listen as they retrace their steps & to hold them, physically or mentally, and bring them back together to become whole again.

By picking on somebody's actions when they are in a bad place, we are not helping, we are becoming part of the problem and putting them in a worse place by making them feel attacked by those they trusted. It is patronising & small minded to believe that what we are saying is helpful & all we will do is push the person away. 

Maybe we were in a bad place too, when we said those things, made those judgements. Which makes our behaviour as unacceptable as we accused theirs of being. This attack was not about their behaviour but more about our state of mind & ability to cope, we made it about them so we didn't have to look in the mirror.

This is our problem, not their problem & friends should stick together & not fight against each other when we are both in a bad place. 

I would like to apologise to my friend. 

I am sorry. 

I have learnt from my poor behaviour. X